A MODern Man
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Harry takes advice he shouldn't, to do something he really should have known better than to try. Still, all's well that ends well, right?
1. Chapter 1

**Mod Man-Prologue**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, that would be JK Rowling.**

Harry sighed, looked down from the astronomy tower at Hogwarts, and wondered once more how things turned out the way they did. How exactly did they get here from there? He shook off his melancholy and used the marauder's map to check his patrol section for the night. A single glance was all it took to ensure no one was out of bounds.

Harry was rather pleased with how smoothly things were running, even if it did give him far too much time to brood. Brooding really didn't suit him, sure he was good at it, but that didn't make it any less frustrating. Still, despite his best efforts he found himself brooding on past events and wondering how they had led to this. All the evidence was so contradictory he couldn't even decide if Dumbledore had been a grand manipulator or a lucky fool. Well at least Harry could comfort himself with the knowledge that Snape, no matter which side he was working for, was really an arsehat.

Seriously, Harry knew Snape better than even Snape knew himself thanks to his little brain dump at the end. If Snape hadn't wanted Harry to know his every little secret he should have been more careful and not pulled a Lockhart on himself. Originally Harry had just wanted to know if Snape had faked that memory of Harry's father or not, but the lure of knowing everything a fully trained wizard and talented dark arts practitioner knew before he had to face Voldemort had been irresistible.

Harry had done something dangerously stupid, not that he hadn't done dangerously stupid things before (or since, for that matter), he had poured all of Snape's memories straight into his own head. That had not been a fun half hour… half a century. Turns out Snape knew nothing about teaching occlumency, as he'd cheated and used a spell to give him his much lauded skill. Of course the reason that spell had rarely been used was because of the possible side effects, namely insanity, blindness, death.

The older you were the more likely you were to blow out a lobe. Snape had gotten lucky and survived fourteen years of memories with everything intact, mostly. Harry had survived over a hundred combined years thanks to… well something, it's not like Harry was short on possibilities. His mother's sacrifice, the prophecy…

"Being the master of Death, after all you were the true master of the wand and owned the other two items, whether you knew it or not," Luna said.

"Very true," Harry agreed, not surprised the occlumency was useless against Luna or that she'd decided to pop up on top of the astronomy tower without him noticing her approach.

"If you're really curious on how things could have turned out differently you could take the place of one of your dead alternates," Luna suggested.

"Pardon?" Harry asked.

"You're the Master of Death," Luna pointed out. "That means more than just a nifty title. You can take the place of one of the infinite alternate versions of you that have passed on."

"You mean like alternate realities?"

"Exactly," Luna agreed. "Simply concentrate on your connection to the Hallows and feel for the life you want and then decide to make the switch."

Harry wondered if it could truly be that easy as he closed his eyes and imagined it his form fading into a ghostly outline before flickering out.

Lune stared wide eyed. "But… I was just fucking with you!"

**Typed by: Bankrupt Samurai**


	2. Chapter 2

**Mod Man: Chapter One**

Harry awoke cold and stiff with an aching head. Putting his hand to his head he felt a large bump and some dried blood. Opening his eyes he stared around blurrily for a moment before a glint of light betrayed his glasses on the ground. Putting his glasses on he discovered a broom next to him covered in dew. Apparently he'd gone flying and crashed into… a tombstone. It was an old tombstone the lettering worn away by time and the elements with only a familiar looking sign still legible, the sign of the Peverell family, the sign of the Hallows.

"Shit!" Everything came rushing back making his head hurt even more. Stumbling to his feet he automatically held out his hand and commanded his broom to come to him, reflexively hopping on and ordering it home. The cool morning air was enough to clear his head and let him push the pain away as the broom guided itself back to… Godric's Hollow.

He'd wanted to see what life would've been like if he wasn't the Boy Who Lived and instead was the Boy-with-parents-that-lived and now here he was. Examining himself it became apparent that the Boy part was literal as he was a kid again and pudgy one at that!

The house was a bit bigger than he remembered it being and in much better condition too. He felt the tingle of the wards running over his skin as he crossed the property line and landed in the backyard next to the shed. He put the broom away and turned towards the house just in time to have a redhead crush him to her.

"Do you have any idea how worried we-" the rest of what she said was muffled as his head forcibly crushed to her chest as she checked him for damage. "-are in so much trouble, young man! You have to get it from your father," she said leading him inside and not allowing him to get a word in edgewise. "God knows I was never this much trouble."

Thankfully his reflexes from dealing with Molly Weasley held him in good stead, as he went limp and tried to conserve oxygen until she finally released him.

He was fed, bandaged, and grounded in short order before being tossed in his room and told to stay there.

Laying on the bed he stared at the ceiling, which for some reason was covered in footprints and animal tracks, and tried to come to grips with his new reality.

A tiny Voldemort appeared on his left shoulder. "Having kids may have broadened her beam a bit," the nose-less specter said, "But damn if her ass doesn't look even better now then when I killed her!"

OK, the spell that Snape had used to teach himself the mind arts hadn't exactly left him untouched when he'd used it on himself, but really his choices at that point had been down to use the spell or become an unholy amalgam of Harry and Snape. Of course the spell had never been designed with the idea of someone having more than one person's memories in mind… or a soul fragment in his skull.

A tiny Snape appeared on his right shoulder. "And her breasts have grown at least two cup sizes! If you have any Oedipal thoughts about her, I won't judge you!"

"Yes you will," Voldemort disagreed. "You'll judge and then suggest improvements. For instance a hurt-comfort dream about breaking up with his first girlfriend and having Lily comfort him, had you giving him a three out of ten because there was no sex."

Harry took a moment to close his eyes and bury the two deep in his mind. When he finished he sighed and opened his eyes only to find another redhead had entered the room and was practically nose to nose with him, one he was quite familiar with.

"Boo," she said and then frowned when he didn't jump. He was surprised to see Ginny, but he guessed that even without all that Boy-Who-Lived rot they had still gotten together. Reaching up her pulled her to him, wrapped his arms around her and pressed his lips against hers.

Her initial resistance melted quickly as he did all the things he knew she liked. They'd dated for quite some time, so he was well versed in how to snog this particular witch breathless. She barely lasted five minutes before collapsing against him. OK he may have gone a bit overboard, but he was feeling a bit freaked out and needed something familiar to calm his nerves. He didn't realize he'd dozed off until he was woken up by the sounds of his parents at the door.

"They're so cute!" Lily squealed quietly. "James get the camera."

"Accio camera," James cast summoning the camera for his wife who immediately took several shots. "I knew they'd learn to get along eventually."

"All it took was your son making us think he'd run away or gotten himself hurt," she said.

"Totally worth it," James said proudly. "If it gets the two of them to kiss and make up so we get a little piece and quiet around the house I'll accept a couple of broken bones."

"Well fortunately there were no broken bones just a nasty lump on the head. I swear they must get it from your side of the family."

"As I recall you and your sister argued-" the door closed cutting off the rest as the two left.

Voldemort and Snape pushed their way out of the depths of Harry's mind, as he finally allowed the shock he felt to show on his face.

"There are no words to say how fucked up a situation this is," Voldemort said.

"I say we blame Dumbledore, because obviously he had a hand in it," Snape offered.

"A hand, hell," Voldemort snorted, "try his arm up the shoulder!"

"Putting her with the Weasleys kept her safe from the Death Eaters at least," Snape offered. "No one targeted her for being a Potter."

"Yes but she was targeted by Lucius for being a Weasley," Voldemort said. "And he would have had a harder time manipulating events with two Potter children."

"Remember that time she had you role-playing as her older brother?" Snape began.

Harry quickly pushed the two back down so he didn't have to listen to them. He wasn't sure why Dumbledore had hidden his sister with the Weasleys, but even if he had the best of intentions he had let the two of them… Dumbledore was going to pay for that!

"It wasn't that bad," Voldemort said popping back up. "Remember that thing she did with her tongue?"

Harry spent the next half hour reinforcing his shields and firmly suppressing the two. He really didn't need their input until he finished dealing with it himself.

"At least things can't get any worse," Harry muttered, before freezing in horror at what he'd said.

"I can't believe you just stole my life like that!" the ghost of Harry Potter complained. "And let go of my sister!"

**Typed by: Bankrupt Samurai**


	3. Chapter 3

**Mod Man: Chapter Two**

"You killed yourself," Harry defended. "All I did was take the spot you left open."

"What do you mean I killed myself?!" Harry's Ghost demanded.

"You crashed headfirst into a tombstone and were knocked unconscious," Harry explained. "Exposure did the rest."

"I did not!" the ghost denied angrily, refusing to admit it was his own fault he'd died doing something stupid when he'd had his whole life ahead of him.

Seeing that he was as stubborn dead as alive, Harry heard the whisperings of the Hallows and decided to listen, because he could not afford to get caught arguing with his own ghost. Harry whispered a word of power and the ghost was pulled from the room, back to his place of death and bound to that spot.

Fortunately, Ginny had slept through the whole thing. Emotionally wrung out and with a familiar weight on his chest, Harry Potter slept and while he slept, dreamed…

He was a lot paler and chubbier than he was used to, but then he was used to being forced to work long hours with little food. He sat on his towel and watched the ocean, fascinated with the way the waves came in, never ending, eternal.

"You've changed things," a pale young woman with dark hair, dressed in a black robe carrying a scythe announced as she took a seat next to him. She had a tattoo of an ankh surrounding her right eye.

Harry picked up a pebble and skimmed it across the water the ripples of its passage quickly erased by the waves as if they'd never existed.

"Fair point," she said as if he'd spoken. "But in the here and now there are changes even if in the span of eternity they really don't matter."

Harry nodded before reaching over to help her remove her robe, revealing flawless alabaster skin and a bikini that couldn't decide if it was there or not depending on which eye Harry looked through.

She moaned as he rubbed her down with sunscreen. "What about the changes to Ginny?" she asked lazily pointing behind them.

Harry didn't pause in his ministrations as he looked inland where a young red haired girl was walking through a forest carrying a picnic basket. He could see a naked half-human wolf with exaggerated genitalia hiding just off the trail with bright green eyes and a very familiar cast to his features, features that were also on the woodsman's face further down the trail, though his eyes flickered from green to brown and back again.

"I'm not saying the changes are bad, they're actually quite normal and healthy according to my sister, but I do believe they go against what you've been taught. Don't forget the soles of my feet."

Harry dutifully worked the soles of her feet eliciting a moan that was definitely sexual in nature.

"I expected to feel like myself as I was," Harry said his voice notably higher in pitch than when he'd heard it last. "But I don't, I feel like I am."

Whatever the pale-skinned girls' response would have been was washed away as a massive wave swept over them.

Harry woke up with a start noting Ginny was still on top of him and… "Wet dream," he muttered, "cute." Fortunately he knew some wandless cleaning charms that Dobby had taught him. Considering his life, his ability to clean using house elf magic really came as no surprise, too bad it was limited to cleaning spells. Ginny stirred and he could almost feel her blush, but she didn't get up or relinquish her hold on him. He wondered how much in common she had with the Ginny raised by the Weasleys.

"You said I was ugly yesterday," she said, "I was ugly and no boy would ever want to kiss me."

"I was lying," Harry said finding the fact that he wasn't surprised at how young they sounded surprising. He felt like he should feel like a grownup pretending to be a kid, instead he felt like a kid pretending to be a grownup. "You are very pretty and extremely kissable, as I proved."

Ginny giggled.

"I, like all male Potters and you can ask mom, can occasionally be a big butthead. It happens as we get older, but I'm told I'll grow out of it."

Ginny was quiet for a moment. "I like this," she admitted quietly.

"I'll try to be more like this from now on," Harry promised, "not the kissing, just the holding, but everyone acts like a butthead at times, it's part of growing up."

Ginny's stomach growled.

"And right now it's time for lunch," Harry said, right before an owl flew in, landed on his headboard, and extended its leg. He was surprised to find it was his Hogwarts letter and happy it was addressed to his room and not 'in Ginny's arms' as he was half afraid it would be when he saw the crest.

"You got your letter!" Ginny said excitedly, hopping off him. "We have to show mom and dad!"

Grabbing his hand she quickly pulled him into the living room, where he found himself surrounded by redheads. The Potters had a child every year for the first six years they'd been married, meaning Harry had five sisters: Ginny, Flora, Evie, Dawn, and Connie. It was like a reverse Weasley clan.

"We'll go shopping for your school supplies tomorrow before your birthday party," Lily promised him.

"Speaking of which," James said, "We've invited some of your sisters' friends to the party. This should help to keep your sisters out of your hair, so please try and be nice to them."

"If they're nice to me, I'll be nice right back at them," Harry promised. "I promise amnesty for any past actions. Everyone gets a clean slate."

"Everyone?" Flora asked hopefully.

"Everyone," Harry promised. "As far as I'm concerned the past doesn't exist. Be nice to me and I'll be nice to you."

"That's a good policy to follow for everyone," Lily said pointedly, causing much tittering among the herd.

The youngest, Connie grabbed Harry's hand. "Tea party!"

"Tea party!" Evie agreed grabbing Harry's other hand.

"Tea party," Harry agreed just before his stomach growled. "Lunch tea party," he suggested.

"I'll make some finger sandwiches," Lily said amused.

"Dress up!" Evie announced.

"Dress robe or tuxedo?" Harry asked.

"Dresses!" the girls chorused just as James vanished with a pop, escaping while he could.

The two quickly pulled him to their room, which was a mess as the two young girls had scattered half their dresser and closet over their beds and had toys scattered everywhere.

A snap of his fingers animated several stuffed animals who started cleaning the room as well as a pair of house elves who popped in and helped cleaned the room while looking around suspiciously before popping out.

"Change!" Dawn demanded laying out a puffy pink dress on the bed in front of Harry.

Connie was half out of her shirt, a ballerina outfit with a tutu ready for her, though with the way she was struggling to get undressed he wasn't sure how she expected to put it on.

"I don't suppose you have something in red," Harry asked as he stared at the pink monstrosity in horror.

Ginny and Flora started tugging at his shirt, causing him to automatically lift his arms.

"You know the rules," Ginny said as Evie helped Connie, who had managed to tangle herself in her shirt. "You agree to the party they pick the clothes."

Flora quickly jumped in to help Dawn, who was searching for a zipper in a white, fluffy, bunny suit.

"I don't mind the dress, but the pink just makes me look so pale," he joked as Ginny helped him remove his pants.

The girls giggled and Ginny managed to coax his boxers off, much to the girls' interests. Harry quickly reached for the dress and put it on, understanding their curiosity but not really feeling that comfortable being their display model. He'd heard from Hermione about normal childhood development and it involved some things that shocked him, but even if they were normal it still made him a bit uncomfortable at the moment.

Evie buckled on a plastic sword and put on the helmet of a Roman centurion, seemingly content with wearing her normal dress with it while neither Ginny nor Flora looked to be dressing up at all.

"Not dressing up?" Harry asked.

"Dawn and Connie only invited you and Evie," Flora said with a grin. "We will be having lunch with mom."

"Tea party!" Lily's voice rang out.

Ginny groaned. "And now we have to demonstrate the appropriate manners."

Flora sighed. "At least we don't have to dress up."

"Remember to dress up!" Lily's voice called out.

"Not a word," Ginny said as they left.

Harry grinned noting that Flora and Ginny were practically twins, in temperament as well as looks it seemed.

The elves popped in and quickly laid out finger sandwiches, tea, cakes, and little bowls of pudding while everyone sat at the small table.

"You don't like those," Evie told Connie as she picked up a couple of finger sandwiches and pointed her towards some others.

Dawn carefully filled everyone's cups with tea and then added sugar and milk. Harry grinned at the way her tongue stuck out of the corner of her mouth as she concentrated on not spilling anything.

There wasn't much said as everyone stuffed their faces, much to Harry's surprise. Dawn and Flora had both inherited Lily's green eyes while the rest of the girls had gotten James' brown ones, but for that fact he'd almost swear Lily had simply cloned herself as there were few traces in the girls' looks that showed James' contributions at all.

"Pudding time!" Dawn announced and everyone grabbed spoons and the little bowls of pudding and started trying to feed each other while smearing as much pudding on their face as possible.

Yeah, they were definitely James' kids.

Clean up was enthusiastic, but a bit hit or miss. Thank God for house elves because pudding was everywhere!

"Nap time," Lily announced with an amused smile as she stuck her head in the room.

Harry yawned. "Good, I was just thinking I could use a nap."

The girls, who usually fought tooth and nail to avoid nap time, started pulling Harry towards their beds, in opposite directions, except Evie who pouted because her own, that she shared with Flora, was across the hall.

"Let's just push the beds together," Harry suggested to keep the girls from arguing and shortly found himself buried in redheads as Connie laid on his chest leaving room for Evie on his right side. He was completely unaware of the smile on his face as he drifted off, surrounded by family… or the soft glow that spread from him to his sisters as he slept.

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai**


	4. Chapter 4

**A MODern Man 4**

Harry awoke to the click and flash of a camera and instinctively banished the photographer and closed and locked the door with a flick of his hand before drifting back to sleep.

James and Lily untangled themselves and climbed to their feet with a groan.

"Ok, maybe I shouldn't have used the flash," James admitted, figuring that accidental magic from Harry had been responsible.

"Yes, but did you get a good picture?" Lily asked, drawing her wand and healing their bruises.

James checked the camera. "Looks good," he confirmed.

"Worth it then," Lily said cheerfully.

"Is Harry up yet?" Ginny asked, still wearing the emerald green dress and ruby jewelry from lunch.

"Not yet," Lily replied, pleased Ginny and Harry were no longer fighting and amused that she wanted to show off how she looked to him.

"Can I wake him?"

"I think he locked the door," James told her, having heard the click before he hit the wall.

Ginny touched the door and it unlocked itself.

"Locking charm with an exclusion principle," Lily said proudly.

"He's going to be a strong wizard," James said proudly as Ginny slipped in to wake him up.

"Think he'll be in Ravenclaw?" Lily asked.

"Gryffindor," James said. "That way he can have both balls and brains."

Lily hit him on the shoulder. "James!"

"I'm just saying that being smart enough for Ravenclaw doesn't mean you aren't brave enough for Gryffindor," James said.

Ginny led a sleepy looking Harry down the hall to her room.

"Let's go develop the photos and put them in the album while they're still getting along," Lily said, dragging James off in much the same manner Ginny had.

"You look very nice," Harry said while rubbing sleep from his eyes as Ginny twirled to show off her dress.

"Really?" she asked, leaning close.

Harry wrapped his arms around her and kissed her before remembering he'd told himself he wasn't going to be snogging this Ginny. "Really," he told her as his head came back up. Ginny smiled shyly at him in a way he knew all to well and he quickly searched his mind for non-couple activities they could do to distract her. "Wanna go flying?"

Ginny's eyes lit up. "Help me out of this thing!"

Harry snapped his fingers, removing and putting away the dress in her closet and momentarily cursed himself for his ingrained reflexes.

"That was so cool!" Ginny squealed. "Can you teach me!?" she begged.

"Ask the house elves," Harry replied. "You have to learn a lot of cleaning spells first... and it's a secret."

"Ok," she said brightly, making a mental note. "What should I wear?"

"Pants and padding," Harry replied. "In case we take a tumble."

"You might want to change out of that pink dress then," Ginny told him, reminding him that his youngest sisters had chosen what to wear for lunch.

"But don't I look good?" Harry asked, giving a twirl.

Ginny laughed so hard she snorted.

"Right, me and the remains of my masculine pride are going to change now." Harry went to retrieve his clothes, figuring Ginny might be done laughing by the time he got back.

Entering Dawn and Connie's room, he snapped his fingers, banishing the dress to the closet only to hear, "Tsk, tsk," from behind him. Turning around he saw a small elf shaking his head.

"You is using too much wrist," he said.

"I know," Harry admitted with a sigh, completely unconcerned with his nudity. "Ginny will probably be a better student than I am, but I am trying."

"Mistress Ginny is wanting to learn?" the elf asked curiously.

"We were just talking about it," Harry confirmed, finding his clothes in the corner of the room and getting dressed.

"Zippity would be teaching her?" the elf asked hopefully.

"Yes, but it is a secret," Harry told him. "And she probably wont have time to learn until I leave for Hogwarts."

The elf actually made an excited squeeing sound before vanishing with a pop.

"That went a lot easier than I thought it would," Harry said, recalling how hard it was to get an elf to teach him, but then again that was probably because he was friends with she-who-knits.

Harry returned to Ginny's room and helped her put on her pads, happy to see that their parents had spared no expense when it came to safety equipment.

"Now yours," Ginny ordered. "And no claiming it interferes with your flying."

"Ok," Harry agreed. "Let's check my room. They're in there somewhere."

It took nearly ten minutes to find his pads and he discovered several things in that time. His former self was a bit of a slob, loved pranks, and had an impressive Playwitch magazine collection.

Their back yard had probably been expanded more than a few times, considering the fact that James had installed a full size Quidditch stadium and a couple of obstacle courses. There were also a rather large number of notice-me-not charms on it and even a ward restricting the ability to perceive it to... no one?

Harry chuckled and grabbed Ginny's hand, pulling her through the ward. It felt a bit like the Fidelius, but less refined and only Harry's extensive work on that ward allowed him to pass through and alter it to include himself and his family.

"Where did this come from?!" Ginny asked, wide eyed.

"No idea," Harry replied, "but it looks like a fun place to fly."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"James," Lily said slowly.

"Yes, dear?"

"Do you remember having a full size Quidditch pitch in the back yard?" she asked in shock.

"Yeah, built it over four years with help from the guys and was the first place you tested the... Fidelius on," he said in wonder as he recalled it now.

"I believe we now know what my first test was on and it finally wore off!" Lily said with a grin, remembering the things the two of them had done on the pitch before she'd accidentally sealed it away.

The two rushed outside and found Harry and Ginny racing around the pitch while Flora played referee.

"I win!" Ginny called out, holding up a snitch.

"I wonder why," Harry said, while the three snitches he caught escaped his belt pouch and fluttered over to her and Flora.

"I think they are attracted to a certain hair color," Flora said as they fluttered around the two redheads.

"I don't know why that would be," James said blandly as Lily tried to look innocent.

"Your room is mine," Ginny told Harry.

Harry laughed. "I will start cleaning it immediately."

"I can't believe we forgot this," James said. "I proposed to you in the showers over there and we got married here."

"The Fidelius is an amazing charm," Lily said proudly.

"I'm calling the guys over. We are having a party!" James exclaimed.

"You two are trading rooms?" Flora asked.

"Nope," Ginny replied with an evil grin.

"Did you just feel a chill?" the tiny Voldemort that popped up on Harry's shoulder asked the tiny Snape on his other shoulder. "'Cause I just felt a chill."

Typing By: Ordieth


	5. Chapter 5

**MODern Man 5**

The party on the pitch was in full swing and Harry didn't know a lot of the people there, fortunately they attributed any changes in his behavior to him receiving his Hogwarts' Letter.

This world was significantly different from his original one, Sirius was married to a vela and had three kids, Wormtail... Peter was single and had a silver hand that lily had made for him to replace the one he lost fighting Death Eaters to protect the Potters, and Remus… was still a mopey bastard.

"I really wish something good would happen to him," Ginny said. Ginny spent most of the party with her friends, but she would check periodically to make sure Harry was OK and was having fun.

"I'll go have a talk with him," Harry promised. "I just have to get something first."

"OK, you have fun, I'm going to go talk to Luna," Ginny said grabbing his hand giving it a squeeze, before she left.

Harry walked over to where James and Sirius were sitting on their brooms and sharing a drink with their wives in-between flying contests. "Hey Dad, can I borrow your beater's bat?"

"Sure, son," James replied handing it to him. "What do you need it for?"

"I'm going to cheer up Remus," Harry said brightly.

"How's he going to cheer up Remus with a beater's bat?" Lisa, Sirius's wife asked.

"I have no idea," James replied as they all turned to watch Harry.

Harry greeted Remus and then nailed him in the crotch with the bat. Remus fell over and curled into a ball. Harry sat on him and started talking, his smile never wavering.

"He's gotta be happy Harry's no longer hitting him," Sirius offered as they stared in shock.

"Maybe I should have a word with him," Lily added.

"Best wait until he puts the bat down," Lisa suggested.

But much to their surprise, Remus uncurled and started looking interested in what Harry had to say. In fact he looked downright excited.

Harry stood up and handed him the bat stretching his arms out, obviously offering a free hit, but Remus tossed the bat aside and gave him a hug before apparating out. Harry slowly keeled over.

"The bat would probably have been less painful," James said recalling being hugged by an excited Remus before.

"Let's go see if his spine is still intact," Sirius suggested as the group drifted over to check on him.

"You still alive?" James asked as they looked down at Harry lying on the ground arms outstretched like he'd been making snow angels.

"Death doesn't have this kinda pain, trust me on that," Harry groaned before Lily cast half a dozen charms on him and he sighed in relief.

"What did you say to him?" she asked, expressing her curiosity with a raised eyebrow.

"And why did you hit him with the bat?" Lisa added.

"I had an idea, so I gave it to him and the bat was because I needed his attention," Harry replied, not moving from his spot on the ground.

"What was the idea?" James asked.

"A secret," Harry replied, "and I swore him to secrecy too!"

"How about a hint?" Lily asked.

"A legal way for a man in his position to make a good income legally and easily," Harry replied. "Of course if pureblood society caught wind of it or any number of bigots, they'd make laws specifically against it, hence the secrecy."

Connie chose that moment to break free of her minders and curl up on Harry's chest. Dawn quickly followed and laid on his side. Their big brother hadn't been one for hugs before, so they were going to enjoy it while it lasted.

"I'm a babe magnet," Harry deadpanned, much to the adults amusement.

"It is getting a little late," Lily said noting a number of yawning children.

"Give us a bunch of pillows and blankets," Harry suggested. "We'll enjoy 'Camping out' in the middle of the pitch while you guys party and keep an eye on us."

"Not a bad idea," Sirius agreed. "Fun for the kids and doesn't interfere in our fun."

"You're just saying that because you still can't move," Lily teased.

Harry grinned, happy to discover his mom had his sense of humor, or vice versa. Shortly Harry was covered in redheads once more as he watched the stars come out and slowly drifted off to sleep, piles of children around them doing much the same.

**The next day**

A large black storm cloud poured rain down on the sleeping children, waking everyone instantly and exposing the fact that many of the children had larger vocabularies than they let on, probably for fear of getting their mouth's washed out with soap.

"Zippity!" Harry called out.

The elf appeared with a loud pop. "Yes, Master Harry?" the house-elf asked, somehow still dry while everyone else was drenched.

"Change this to warm water and give everyone soap and shampoo," Harry ordered.

"Yes, Master Harry," the house elf agreed happily, before popping out.

The rain quickly warmed up and bottles of shampoo and bars of soap started appearing next to the groups of children.

Harry was almost positive Sirius and James were behind the children's wakeup call and the best way to defuse this prank was to pretend it was nothing special.

"Hair," Connie demanded, sitting in Harry's lap.

Harry laughed and started washing her hair.

"Me next!" Dawn demanded jumping up and down sending water splashing back up.

Seeing the potter children playing in the water and washing their hair, the rest of the children quickly joined in.

"Drying charms and combs and brushes," Harry spoke to the air, knowing the elves were listening.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"James and Sirius, front and center!" Lily yelled waking the two marauders.

"Huh? What?" they mumbled, almost in tandem, falling off the couch.

"Who cast the storm ward that just woke up all the children with a sudden monsoon?" Lily demanded of the pranksters with her hands on her hips.

The two men looked at each other and turned back to the irate redhead. "You," they chorused.

"Me? But…" Lily sighed. "I set it to do that, figuring it'd get you guys to stop having drinking contests that left you passed out on the pitch over a decade ago," she remembered with a groan.

"Where are all the parents?" James asked.

"You told them to pick their kids up after breakfast." Sirius reminded him. "They went home."

"That's a lot of kids to cook for," James said.

"Fast food," Lily ordered. "You are going to go buy breakfast for a hundred from the golden arches."

"Yes, dear," James said contritely, but after she left the room he grinned.

"You go through a lot of trouble just to be able to eat there," Sirius said.

"Worth it," James said yawning.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Thanks to the plethora of elves, who were happy to show off a little, everything and everyone was soon clean from top to bottom with their clothes looking freshly pressed.

"It's about time for breakfast," Ginny noted after Evie tugged her arm and gave her a look.

"It'd take me half the day to cook enough to feed everyone," Harry said, wondering how they were going to handle this.

Sirius and James apparated in with bags of food and started setting up tables for everyone to eat at.

"They are completely forgiven for their prank," Harry decided as he smelled the fresh burgers and fries. He never got to eat out in the muggle world, always busy with something or at school.

"This is breakfast?" Flora asked.

"Normally lunch," Harry admitted. "But great food all the same."

It was their first taste of muggle food for some of the young wizards and witches and was generally well received, though the plastic toys were just confusing, as even in the magical world ponies were never pastel, much less unicorns and pegasi!

Once the last of the children had been picked up LIly reactivated the Proto-Fidelius on the stadium, adding the other marauders as she did so. It was always nice to have a fallback position ready in case of emergencies and with the Fidelius active the Malfoys wouldn't try to pass legislation concerning private ownership of Quidditch stadiums.

"What to do until lunch?" Harry wondered aloud.

"Mud pies?" Connie suggested.

"Sand castles?" Evie added.

"Don't know if mom will take us to the beach," Ginny said.

"Mud wars!" Dawn exclaimed.

"Mud wars?" Flora asked.

"Mud wars," Ginny said matter-of-factly with an evil grin.

"Didn't we just shower?" Harry asked as Ginny and Flora grabbed his hands and he was drug off. He couldn't help but wonder if other brothers had these sort of problems.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Remus looked around the junk shop with a smile. He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of this himself, it was so simple it was brilliant. A few surreptitious waves of his hand and he got three positive readings.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	6. Chapter 6

**MODern Man 6**

"Where are the kids?" James asked.

"Mud wars," Lily replied as she cooked, a book hovering in front of her as she read up on the latest charms theory.

"I thought they were banned from that?" James asked.

"No, I banned them from coming in so caked in mud I thought golems were attacking," she corrected.

"Which means no more mud wars," James said.

"Which means they have to use the showers in the locker rooms out on the pitch," Lily corrected. "And the terrain control spells on the pitch have gotten a good workout."

"House elves helping them?" James asked, wrapping his arms around her and resting his chin on her shoulder so he could see what she was reading.

"Harry has somehow managed to use them without a wand and he's been teaching Ginny," Lily said flipping back a page to recheck the theory on mindset and wandless magic in children.

James was no slouch in magical theory himself and instantly made the same connections Lily did as he read the article on wandless magic. "Looks like I won't be bragging so she thinks it's normal to be able to do wandless," James said.

"We'll also have to start working on our own wandless capabilities or at least faking some, so they'll believe it's normal," Lily added.

James thought about that. "Have I told you how brilliant you are lately?" he said before nibbling on her neck.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Time to clean up," Harry announced. "To the locker rooms."

Four mud covered figures headed for the red team's locker room while three followed him to the blue team's.

"I'm pretty sure I only had five sisters," Harry noted as he entered the showers, so mudcaked it was hard to tell what species he was much less who he was.

"I'm going to claim to be Ronald Weasley," a feminine voice said, sounding just a bit like him.

"I'm going to claim to be Harry then," Ginny said not bothering to disguise her voice.

"And you?" Harry asked the last mudman as he turned the showers on full.

"Flora called in reinforcements," she said cheerfully. "It's me, Sheila."

"And why did you follow me to the showers?" he asked.

"I thought we were splitting into two equal groups," she replied. "Plus you haven't been as much of a bastard lately and I thought I might see you starkers."

"There's a better chance of seeing it in the shower than most anywhere else," 'Ron' agreed.

'Harry' giggled while Harry chuckled and moved under a shower head.

It took a couple of minutes before enough mud was removed for everyone to be recognizable. 'Ron' turned out to be Luna, Ginny was obviously not Harry, and Sheila was revealed to be a bright and cheerful girl that reminded him a lot of Tonks.

"I thought you'd gone home," he told Luna before tuning to Sheila. "Weren't you blonde earlier?"

"You forgot I was a metamorph?" Sheila asked in shock, her hair going from red to blonde and back again.

"I told you he'd died and come back," Luna said.

"Yeah, but since you're insane I didn't pay any attention," Sheila said with a shrug.

"Sheila!" Ginny groaned.

"Her honesty is refreshing," Luna said.

"See?" Sheila asked. "But back to what I was asking, how can you not remember? You always teased me about it and called me Camelia as short for Chameleon."

"You have been different," Ginny agreed laying a hand on Harry's arm. "But it's a good different," she assured him softly, her blush covered by steam from the showers.

"Luna's called it," Harry said. "I was dead for a bit that night I crashed my broom. Nailed my head pretty hard too. But I like who I am now and I don't want the adults trying to change that, so mum's the word."

"See, Luna isn't crazy," Ginny said firmly.

"You can be right and insane," Sheila said unbuttoning her waterlogged robe now that the mud wasn't caking it so thickly she couldn't reach the buttons.

"She's got a point there," Luna agreed starting to get undressed as well.

Harry snapped his fingers and the steam suddenly became an impenetrable fog covering everyone from the neck down.

"That's going to take half the fun out of showering with you," Sheila said as wet clothes hit the shower room floor and were whisked away by the elves.

"What can I say, I'm shy," Harry said with a grin.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Remus checked the charms on the glass figurine he'd bought and checked them against the list of banned charms. He'd collected a dozen items from the muggle world that were decades old and definitely cursed.

"Mr. Weasley will see you now," the secretary said.

"Thank you," the werewolf replied politely, as he picked up his box and entered the office for the head of the ministry's department for the misuse of muggle artifacts.

"Remus?" Arthur asked cheerfully, getting up to shake his hand. "What brings you by?"

"I have a number of heirloom items I suspect to be cursed," Remus said cheerfully.

"Really?" Arthur asked drawing his wand and casting a series of detector spells. "Oh my. Merlin, these are definitely dark."

"And as heirlooms I am entitled to a minimum of five galleons each plus the item's value," Remus said.

"Yes you are. Though, I wasn't aware you came from a dark family or one that had this many cursed objects," Arthur said curiously.

"The law didn't say they had to be from my family," Remus pointed out with a cheeky grin.

"Very true," Arthur agreed. "And since it's all kept anonymous to avoid tarnishing the image of any old pureblood houses, no one but us will know."

"That's what I'm counting on," Remus agreed.

"There are dangers to handling unknown cursed items," Arthur warned.

"But not much of one if you aren't trying to either break or trigger the spells," Remus said.

"Do you want a copy of the ministry guide for handling cursed objects?" Arthur asked holding up a book.

"I've got a black market copy of the goblin's cursebreaker guide," Remus assured him.

Arthur opened up the book to show it was hollowed out and held a copy of the aforementioned guide. "Sound's like you're on top of things there. Remus, there are some areas that we stick out a bit too much to go strolling through or have been forbidden by treaty as ministry personnel," he hinted at.

"Places where a knowledgeable half-breed werewolf wouldn't be out of place?" Remus asked.

"Exactly," Arthur agreed. "And while I can't pay you to do it, I can pay you for any 'cursed heirlooms' you bring in and the unspeakables still pay a bounty on unknown and forgotten charms."

"I hadn't even thought of that," Remus said.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Ginny snapped her fingers and Harry's cylinder of steam shrank a little.

"More wrist!" came the voice of a house-elf from out of thin air.

Harry groaned as the girls giggled. "You are learning a lot faster than I ever did."

"Motivation is a big help," Luna offered cheerfully before snapping her fingers and shrinking it a little more.

Harry turned up the hot water so he could pull in more steam.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	7. Chapter 7

**Modern Man 7**

"Don't forget to wash," Harry said, grabbing some shampoo and making sure to cover himself in suds for a bit of added cover while stealing some of the girls' steam to reinforce his dwindling supply.

"Help me with my hair," Ginny told Harry, momentarily distracted from the game of embarrass Harry.

"Yes, dear," he replied reflexively, making Ginny smile broadly, a slight blush on her cheeks.

"You help me with mine and I'll help you with yours," Shelia said, passing Luna the shampoo.

Harry hummed as he worked on Ginny's hair. She wore it much longer in this world.

"Did you guys bring any clean clothes?" Ginny asked the other two.

"And pajamas," Shelia agreed. "Da said I can spend the night or the year for that matter. He said to stay until I'm kicked out and when I leave to bring some red heads home with me."

"Sounds like Sirius," Harry agreed. "I can turn my hair red and we can work on turning his hair grey."

"Can you do mine too?" Luna asked.

Harry snapped his fingers and Ginny laughed.

"Yours is purple and her's is pink," Ginny said.

"Oops," Harry said, a bit embarrassed. "Let me try that on one of us at a time." A snap of his fingers turned Luna's hair into a nicely layered blonde and red that almost looked like flames.

"Nice," Shelia said, immediately copying it.

"And as for mine," Harry said and snapped his fingers turning his hair into an exact copy of Ginny's.

"How did you learn so much wandless magic?" Luna asked.

"I asked the elves," Harry replied as Ginny shampooed his hair.

"And elves don't use wands," Luna said in understanding.

"I thought you said it was a secret," Ginny said.

"It is, but Dad and the guys built this place, so there are secrecy charms on the shower rooms. Anything that happens in the shower room stays in the shower room," Harry explained.

"Does that mean I can't ask my elves to teach me?" Shelia asked.

"As long as we all agree, it's fine," Harry said. "Elves are fine to share secrets with. It's humans you have to watch out for."

"I can't believe no one has thought of this before," Luna said, scrubbing Shelia's back.

"Most of the people seeking power don't treat elves nicely," Harry told her. "So the elves wouldn't want to help them, even if they did see the possibility; which they probably wouldn't because those type of people generally see everyone else as things rather than people."

"Glad my family's not complete bastards," Shelia said cheerfully.

"You are staying over too?" Ginny asked Luna.

"Mum said to ask Dad. Dad said to ask Mum. So rather than get caught in an infinite loop, I gave myself permission," Luna explained.

"Sound reasoning," Harry agreed, turning off the shower. "Let's get dressed and go..." he trailed off, unsure what to do next. Having family and being a kid wasn't something he'd ever had much experience with.

"Mum got that movie projector she was tinkering with working," Ginny said. "We could watch some muggle movies."

Warm winds rushed around the room, drying everyone but still not budging the steam.

"How long is this steam going to cover us?" Ginny asked.

"You're maintaining it yourselves now," Harry said as they entered the locker room and found their pajamas on the benches.

"A little early for pajamas," Shelia said as Harry dressed and the cloud of steam around him finally dissolved.

"A bit, but my parents won't mind," Ginny assured her.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Extra plates for dinner, love?" James asked as he set the table.

"Shelia and Luna are staying over," Lily replied as she brought out dinner, making sure to leave a generous portion in the kitchen for the elves.

"Is Harry still giving Shelia a hard time?" James asked with a grin. He and Sirius had long maintained that Harry only gave her a hard time because he liked her, although that was probably wistful thinking on their part.

"Considering the monitoring charms say she, Luna, and Ginny followed him into the shower, I think we can safely say they've made up," Lily replied dryly.

"Aren't they a bit young for that?" James asked.

"There was none of 'That'," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "They're old enough to giggle and point, but young enough to still not care all that much."

"Think I should have 'The Talk' with him?" James asked seriously.

"Probably best to give it to him before he goes to Hogwarts," Lily agreed, a small corner of her brain telling her she was forgetting something.

"Thank Merlin for monitoring charms," James said. "I'm not sure how the muggles deal with it."

"Clumsily and often after someone is already pregnant," Lily admitted.

"How do you manage to overlook things to that extent?" James asked in shock.

"A lack of monitoring charms for one thing," Lily replied. "I think the youngest case of pregnancy was an eight year old. Ten and eleven years old is at the lower edge of possible for most countries and is rare enough that most parents don't actually talk to them until they are well into their teens."

"That's horrible," James said with a shudder.

"It can be," Lily agreed. "But most muggle families, responsible ones, manage to avoid those pitfalls."

"Thank Merlin for magic," James said. "I'll get Sirius and his charts and give Harry 'The Talk' so we won't have to worry about it for a couple more years."

Lily almost groaned as she realized what she'd done. She'd just given a pair of Marauders permission to give 'The Talk' to her son!

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"How did I get assigned braid duty?" Harry asked as he braided Shelia's hair. "And haven't I already braided your hair?"

The girls burst out laughing.

Harry rolled his eyes good naturedly. "You got me. Everyone ready for dinner?"

"You guys go in, I need to talk to Harry for a minute," Lily said, waving the girls out of the living room. "Nice hair," she told Harry, who was currently a redhead.

"Thanks, Mom," he said, still quietly amazed he could say that, or anything, to her.

"I accidentally did something horrible to you," Lily told him seriously.

Harry stared at her in shock, a multitude of questions running through his head. Was she the reason his other self had died? Was there a sacrifice component to a protection spell against Voldemort that was now coming due?

"I gave your father permission to give you 'The Talk' with Sirius," she admitted.

Harry was horrified and it showed. He looked at Lily as if she'd just killed his puppy.

Lily hugged him tightly. "What will it take for you to forgive me?!" she begged.

"Five galleons," came the muffled voice from her cleavage.

"What?" she asked, releasing him.

"I need five galleons, the help of the house elves, and at least ten minutes," Harry said.

"What are you planning?" she asked suspiciously.

"I knew this day was coming," Harry said seriously. "I have made plans, but I need money and time to make charts with."

"Charts?" she asked.

"The best defense is a good offense," Harry replied.

"You aren't going to permanently scar them, are you?" Lily asked.

Harry shrugged. "That's what memory charms are for."

**Typing by: Ordieth!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Mod Man 8**

Snape appeared on his shoulder. "What are you planning?" he asked.

"I'm planning to turn their 'Talk' around on them and hit them with practices and ideas that will send them running to the obliviators," Harry said cheerfully. "Want to help?"

"I...I can help prank them?" Snape asked, like a little boy who was just told he was going to get a second Christmas this year.

"Prank?" Harry asked blinking. "I was actually planning on going beyond that into mental scarring."

Tom appeared on his other shoulder with a pop. "I'm in!"

"Excellent, I just need the most sick, depraved, and mentally scarring sex acts you can conceive of," Harry said cheerfully.

"I've heard rumors," Tom said in an almost hissing whisper, eyes flickering around the room like he was making sure no one could overhear him, "that some couples have tried it with the woman on her knees facing away from the man, like a dog."

"You're joking?!" Snape said looking horrified.

Harry stared at the two in disbelief.

"On my magic," Riddle said solemnly, head high, looking down his nose, and a hand raised like he was taking a vow, causing Snape to shudder.

"You guys aren't going to be any help..." Harry's voice trailed off. "Hang on a minute, you two have done play by play critiques of my 'fantasies' which were a lot wilder than that!"

Snape and Tom burst out laughing.

"Can't believe you fell for that one," Tom said. "You handle bestiality, I'll handle necrophilia," he told Snape. "Harry, you get the muggle known stuff."

"Fake them out with vanilla sex acts and some questions that sound like you're unsure. For instance talk about eating a girl out and say you don't know why it's called that, then when they feel superior and condescending, *Bam* start talking about vore!" Snape said with an evil grin.

Harry rubbed his hands together evilly. "Zippy!" he called, "I need you to buy some muggle stuff for me!"

***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"Dinner!" Lily shouted, summoning everyone to the table and sending Harry a questioning glance which Harry responded to with a grin.

"Dad, what are you doing here?" Sheila asked, as Sirius took a seat at the table.

"Hey Hon," Sirius said cheerfully. "Just here to help James with something."

Sheila nodded and food started being passed around as everyone filled their plates.

"I don't like the taste of peas," Luna said when Ginny passed her the bowl.

"They aren't for eating," Flora said.

"It's ammunition," Ginny explained.

"Only peas are allowed to be thrown at the table," James said.

"And only after dinner and before dessert," Lily reminded everyone.

"I'll have to eat over here more often," Luna said.

"We're always happy to have you over," Lily said. "I'm surprised you haven't stayed for dinner before."

"Mum says dinner is a time for family, whether they like it or not. Tonight's their anniversary and she suspects Da is planning something special so I was allowed to stay over," Luna explained.

Harry knew something important had just been shared but wasn't sure what, until tiny Snape whispered into his mind about an angry witch making a mistake while doing research because her husband forgot their anniversary. Harry's eyes shot open and he practically leapt out of his seat. "Zippy?!"

The house-elf appeared with a pop. "Yes, Master Harry?"

"I need a vase made of frozen grape juice with a dozen long stem red roses dipped in chocolate in it. stick little marshmallows on the thorns and remember to cast an ever cold enchantment on the vase. I need a foot high dementor statue made out of chocolate and the beater's bat I hit Remus with, stat!"

Zippy summoned the bat and handed it to Harry. "Zippy have everything in a minute," he promised.

"Bring it to the Quibbler," Harry ordered running to the fireplace. "The Quibbler!" Harry called out, tossing the floo powder and vanishing into the floo as soon as the flames were green.

"Any idea what that's about?" Lily asked.

"No, and Daddy should be home, not at the paper," Luna said with a frown.

"Should we be doing something?" Sirius asked.

"Give Harry five minutes so we can see if it's a prank first," James said.

"Does your father have a hard time remembering anniversaries?" Ginny asked.

"When he's writing he has a hard time remembering to eat," Luna replied. "If you put food in his hand and tell him to eat he'll do it, but he won't get up and get food on his own. I got in trouble for feeding him a mud pie when I was seven," Luna admitted. "He never noticed, but mum did."

Harry returned through the floo, which spit him out like a watermelon seed requiring him to roll like an acrobat to avoid getting knocked unconscious from slamming against the floor.

"What was that all about?" Lily asked.

Harry shook his head to get rid of the dizziness and one of the Potter elves' vanished with the beater's bat. "Had to remind someone about something," Harry said.

"And the beater's bat?" Sirius asked.

"Well, I had to get his attention first," Harry explained.

"I hope they make me a baby brother," Luna said. "They keep promising, but it's taking forever."

"Zippy, add anniversary potions to the chocolate," Harry ordered knowing the elf was listening.

"Son, what are you doing?" James asked.

"Putting Luna's mum in the pudding club," Harry replied giving them his best innocent look.

"Son, no impregnating other men's wives," James said, thinking they should probably have had the Talk earlier.

"Luna's dad will be doing all the work, I'm just arranging things," Harry said.

"Zippy, include a note that lets them know about the potions," Lily called out.

"We'll talk about it after dinner," James said.

"What are anniversary potions?" Luna asked Lily.

"Those are potions..." Lily trailed off unsure of how to phrase things.

"Potions that make them feel young again and improve the odds of having children," Harry told her.

"I hope it includes a stamina potion," Luna said. "They aren't getting any younger even if they feel like it."

"It does," Harry assured her as he finished filling his plate.

"That's a lot more vegetables than you usually get," James said trying to change the subject.

"As a boy gets older his tastes change," Harry said slowly. "You know what? We really should sit down and have a talk so I can explain things you might be curious about and would like answers to. You're about at the age we should have 'The Talk' anyway."

"Ok," James said slowly as Sirius fell over laughing.

"But bring Sirius as well," Harry said. "I know he doesn't have a son to explain these things to him and he is practically one of the family."

"I appreciate that," Sirius said wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

"When do we get the talk?" Ginny asked Lily.

"We aren't subtle," James told Sirius realizing the kids were teasing them.

"You are about that age," Lily admitted. "I was going to wait until just before Hogwarts, but I suppose you are old enough."

"And me," Shelia added. "I'd like to hear it from someone who isn't a veela or Sirius Black."

"May I?" Lily asked Sirius.

"Knock yourself out," Sirius said cheerfully.

"I'll floo my parents for permission," Luna said.

"And me," Flora said blushing and looking down at her mashed potatoes.

**After dinner, a food fight, and dessert...**

"Maybe you should tell us what you know already, so we don't cover the same ground again," James said with a smirk.

Harry grinned and dropped the notice-me-not charms on the various charts, life sized diagrams, and plethora of muggle sex toys he'd had the house elves place in the den.

James and Sirius stared about, wide eyed as Harry started his lecture.

**5 minutes in**

"And one fun fact about the Aztecs was that the size of the priest's blade was directly connected to their penis size. You see while carving open the chest a simple twist of the blade in the right spot made a hole that was perfectly sized..."

Sirius whimpered.

**10 minutes in**

"And to quote the great American president Abraham Lincoln, 'Anything can be used as a dildo if you're brave enough'..."

James right eye developed a tic.

**23 minutes in**

"But enough about historical facts," Harry said cheerfully. "I'm sure your much more interested in modern practices, like say the use of a Cerberus and twenty pounds of peanut butter!"

The two marauders broke and ran, physically breaking down the door in their efforts to escape, revealing Lily and the girls just outside the room.

Harry snapped his fingers quickly hiding all the charts and toys before his mom and the girls could see any of it. "I guess we're done then," Harry said cheerfully as the two wizards fled. "And I hadn't even gotten to the list of the top ten greatest things!"

"What's number one?" Ginny asked curiously.

"Sleeping in the arms of someone you love," Harry said absently as he tried to figure out how the two pranksters would get him back for this.

"They probably did a poor job," Lily said, having been waiting to see how Harry's prank had turned out so she could give him a proper 'Talk'. She was happy to see Harry was ok, but knew she'd have to make sure he was properly educated on the subject regardless because James would be useless at it.

"I'm good mum," Harry promised. "Let me give you a summary. Masturbation is normal, sex is best when love is involved, and you are way too young and pretty to be a grandmother until well after I've graduated from Hogwarts."

"She didn't tell us the third one," Luna said as Lily hugged Harry tightly.

"Boys get different lectures I'm willing to bet," Shelia said. "Mrs. Potter's talk was a lot better than the ones I got from my parents."

"How'd they go?" Ginny asked.

"Mum told me a bunch of vela stuff and a lot of technical stuff," Shelia said. "Da followed it up with a knowledge of spells and advice for Hogwarts. Your mum is the only one who actually told me about how I'd feel and why I shouldn't feel rushed or pressured. Plus the whole knee to the groin move."

"My parents were too shy to talk about it," Luna said. "They gave me books on anthropological practices. It's why I've been studying how to take care of animals since I'm probably going to be presented with a cow, two goats, and a piglet for my hand."

"Luna," Ginny groaned.

"What?" Luna asked.

"You're worth at least a dozen cows and a herd of goats," Harry told her. "And if you're not waist deep in piglets obviously he doesn't know you well enough to ask for your hand."

Luna blushed and looked down. "You flatter me."

"The price you were looking at was probably for a muggle girl of one of the local tribes. A witch, even an untrained one, with exotic features like yours would have chiefs bidding on her," Harry reassured her.

"Maybe, but I can't carry very much water or weave baskets that can hold water without leaking, so that really drives the price down," Luna said with a sigh.

"As a witch your value is based on ability to heal wounds, bring luck to the tribe, and call rain," Harry told her.

"But I can't do any of those!" Luna said horrified.

"That's what Hogwarts is for," Harry told her. "As a witch you aren't expected to know these things until after graduation."

"That is such a relief," Luna said with a bright smile.

"Are they joking?" Flora asked Lily.

"I can't tell," Lily admitted.

"Mum, can you set up the projector so we can watch a movie?" Ginny asked.

"What would you like to see?" Lily asked.

"Star Wars," Ginny replied.

"You should ask Tonks for the talk," Harry told Sheila.

"Why?" Flora asked, before Shelia could.

"Because metamorphs are rare, and she's just the person to point out the pitfalls of being a metamorph going through puberty," Harry replied.

"That is a good idea," Shelia said. "I'm so glad you aren't acting like a prat anymore."

"Me too," Harry agreed cheerfully, to Lily's surprise, as well as her daughters' as that would have set him off a few days ago.

"I'll set up the projector real quick, but then I really should track down your father and Sirius," Lily said. "While I'm gone you two will be in charge, make sure the little ones are in bed by eleven, ok?"

"We will," Ginny agreed as everyone followed Lily into a closet she'd charmed to duplicate a posh muggle theater. "Actually Shorell knows how to run everything," Lilly said as the elf appeared with a pop. "If I haven't returned with the two of them by noon, call Peter and tell him to bring bail money."

"We will," Flora promised. "Now go get them before they do something stupid and start a war."

"Yes, dear," Lily teased before apparating out.

Flora grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him down the aisle. "I hope this is as good as that one about the ship sinking."

"It's different," he admitted wondering when she'd seen Titanic, while she hummed the theme to Jaws under her breath.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	9. Chapter 9

**MOD Man: Chapter Nine**

"Leia was cool, but why is she interested in the smuggler?" Flora asked, wrinkling her nose.

"The hero should get the girl, not the sidekick," Ginny agreed.

Shelia frowned. "Yeah, but it always happens that way. Maybe they just wanted something to be different."

"I don't like stories that leave you feeling like its incomplete," Flora said. "End of the story should be: hero gets the girl and happily ever after."

"What if the girl gets the hero and the sidekick?" Luna asked.

The girls considered that for a moment and Harry grinned as they decided that was an acceptable alternative.

"There are two more movies in the series," Harry offered. "So this isn't the end of things, it's just the beginning."

"So does she end up with the hero or the sidekick?" Flora asked.

"Yeah, who does she end up loving?" Shelia asked.

"Mom will eventually get the other two movies, so I'll just say in the end she loves both of them and they all seem pretty happy about it," Harry replied. That seemed to satisfy the girls and it was still a bit early so Harry looked for another movie to play. "We have Indiana Jones, Aliens, and Behind the Green Door."

"Indiana Jones is probably some American war movie," Ginny guessed.

"Behind the Green Door sounds like one of those artsy, French films Mum makes Dad watch when she wants to punish him," Shelia said.

"Just because she wants to expose him to a little culture doesn't mean she's trying to punish him," Harry said with a grin, recalling hearing Hermione saying something similar to Ron.

"No, she tells him straight up it's because he's being punished for something, usually a prank," Shelia replied. "When he's really bad, she makes him go to the opera."

"Aliens sounds interesting," Luna offered and was seconded by Flora.

"Aliens it is," Ginny said cheerfully, accepting another bowl of popcorn from the elves.

"Bed time," Harry said as he saw how tired the youngest of them were before picking up Dawn, who was falling asleep on the floor.

Connie quickly held up her arms for Harry to pick her up as well. Evie yawned and considered staying up, but decided it wasn't worth arguing with Ginny, who took her role as big sister far too seriously.

"Let me help," Flora told Harry, taking Connie for him.

Evie grinned and held her arms out for Ginny to pick her up, even though she wasn't that much smaller than her. Ginny grinned and picked her up bridal style.

"Wish I had sisters like them," Shelia told Luna as the Potters took the three youngest to their rooms.

"I'd settle for any siblings," Luna said. "Being an only child isn't as much fun as you'd think. I'd love to have a sister or maybe a big brother like Harry."

"From what I've heard, most older brothers are prats," Shelia said. "So, he really died?" she asked after a moment.

"He got better," Luna assured her.

"Much better," Shelia agreed. "He calls me by my name now."

"I thought you liked being called Camellia," Luna said.

"It was nice having a pet name," she admitted, "but he didn't say it nearly as nicely as he says Shelia now."

"His Luna is a lot fonder," Luna said with a smile.

The three oldest Potter children returned.

"Ok, roll 'em," Ginny said, reclaiming her popcorn.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Lily pulled out her wand and frowned as the point me spell just caused her wand to spin in circles. She made a note to tattoo tracking runes on the four Marauders the next time she got a chance.

Lily traced the pair's apparition to the one place she dreaded finding them at... Snape's house.

"Oh God," she groaned, knowing things had just gotten a lot more complicated.

The front door of the house was missing and a goat was eating the living room curtains. The coffee table was in pieces and the couch was on the ceiling. Of Snape there was no sign.

She sighed and began casting about for their apparition trail once more.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"That was so cool!" Flora cheered, completely ignoring the way everyone else clung together, staring at the screen in horror.

"Those don't exist, right?" Shelia asked Luna.

Everyone turned towards Luna who quickly shook her head. "Merlin, no!"

"Aaaw," Flora moaned, disappointed.

"You're going to love Hagrid's Care of Magical Creatures class," Harry predicted.

"You'd protect me if things like that existed, right?" Ginny asked Harry nervously, still clinging to him.

"I'd sick the dementors on them and let them wipe each other out," Harry assured her, trying not to shiver as he thought of what he was sure was going to be the form bogarts would take around him now.

"I think you'd end up with a horrible hybrid combination of the two," Luna said with a look of disgust.

'No, that's my new bogart,' Harry decided right then and there.

"I know! Let's go do something fun in a well lit room, possibly involving fire," Shelia said loudly to a chorus of agreements.

"There's a fireplace in Harry's room," Flora offered, seeing a chance to poke around in Harry's room, a place he'd always chased them out of before.

"We can make smores," Harry agreed, recalling Hermione mentioning something about them on her sleep over checklist that she'd never gotten a chance to use.

"What are smores?" Flora asked curiously.

"Chocolate, marshmallow, and graham crackers set on fire," Harry said, wondering if he'd gotten it right.

"Sounds good," Shelia said. "Let's go!"

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The five were dressed as knights - well, the four Marauders were, Snape had somehow gotten a hold of a Batman outfit, which had nipples on it for some reason.

Lily watched in shock as they loaded a large, wooden rabbit onto a catapult aimed at a French castle.

"Fire!" Sirius called out as Pettigrew pulled the lever, launching the fifteen foot tall wooden rabbit over the castle wall.

Lily stared in horror as she realized it was the Minster of France's personal residence. Getting them out of this was going to be complicated.

**The Potter residence**

"Nobody missing, everyone alive?" Lily asked as she returned, pushing a cart filled with the four drunken and bruised Marauders and one Severus Snape.

"Everyone's alive," Harry promised.

"Nothing's on fire, either," Shelia added.

"Anyone pregnant?" Snape slurred out, making the Marauders laugh.

Harry smacked himself in the head. "I knew I forgot something," he joked, covering his surprise at seeing Snape.

Ginny shrugged. "Back to the bedroom, everyone," she ordered, causing all the girls to turn towards Harry's room.

"What? No!" Lily exclaimed in shock, just before everyone, including the drunken Marauders, broke out laughing and she realized she'd been had.

"So how'd things go?" Harry asked.

"We may be at war with France," Lily admitted.

"Right," Harry said, nodding slowly. "Well, for the sake of plausible deniability... I'm going to bed."

"That's probably a good idea," Lily admitted.

"Right, night all," Harry said, retreating to his room. He climbed into bed and was preparing for sleep when Ginny slipped into bed with him. "Oh yeah, you won my room. I'd forgotten that. Should I move all my stuff to your old room now or in the morning?"

"Neither," Ginny said, wrapping her arms around him and preparing for sleep. "I didn't say we'd switch rooms, just that I wanted yours. You'll just have to pay me rent from now on."

"Rent?" Harry asked just before the door opened and Shelia and Luna came in carrying pillows.

"Budge over," Shelia said. "I'm not sleeping alone after that movie."

"I thought you had Luna with you," Harry noted.

"You're not supposed to notice that," Luna told him. "You're supposed to get manly and protective."

"Just pretend you're heroic; like the Boy-Who-Lived, Neville Longbottom," Shelia said.

"Ah, right," Harry said, absently making room for the pair and deciding he'd definitely be looking up recent history in the morning, as Flora came in carrying her pillow and blanket.

**Typing By: Ordieth**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Harry found himself standing in front of a movie theater looking at what was playing. Screens one and two were showing 'Harry and his sisters', screen three was showing 'The Fox and The Hound', while the last screen was listed as 'Local news and weather'.

"Would you like a ticket?" the man behind the window asked.

Harry noticed his slight resemblance to Death although he had spiky black hair and eyes that looked like a pair of holes in the night sky. "Death probably paid, but if she didn't, might I suggest Sirius Black stuck in animagus form running through knee deep peanut butter while chased by a randy Cerberus?"

"Here you go," Dream said, passing Harry a ticket so he could enter.

"Thank you," Harry said entering the lobby and spotting Death playing the part of the ticket taker. "Fancy meeting you here," Harry told her.

Death smiled. "Ticket, please."

Harry handed her his ticket, which she tore in two, returning half and dropping the other half into a box containing a couple of others.

"Which movie would you like to see?" she asked.

"Does it matter?" he replied with a shrug.

"Screen one or two would be best," she suggested. "My sisters are watching three and four and they can be a bit distracting."

Harry glanced over and saw that screens one and two had different ratings, even though they were showing the same movie. "One," he decided, since it had the lower rating.

"Right this way, sir," Death said, taking his arm.

"That is a cute little usher's uniform," Harry told her.

"Thank you, Desire helped me pick it out," she said with a smile.

Entering the empty theater they took seats in the middle and watched as the coming attractions played.

**"It's coming and you can't stop it!"** the screen blared.

"So what do I owe the honor for your presence this time?" Harry asked.

"I wanted to give you a quick heads up and ask a favor... master," she teased.

**"One by one all the Potter children fell to it!"** a dark shadow stalked the Potter family starting with the oldest and working its way down.

"I appreciate it and depends on the favor," Harry told her as she wrapped his arm around her.

"Neville is going to face Voldemort in this universe," she explained. "He's not guaranteed success, but he has the right to try and is the prophesied chosen one."

"That's kind of a relief," Harry said after a moment.

**"And now it's personal!" **the screen blared as the shadow fell over Flora. **"Puberty: The revenge!"**

"As to the favor," Death said waiting for Harry to stop laughing at the screen. "A certain stone is in Hogwarts, or will be soon, and I would appreciate you either destroying it or taking possession of it. A few centuries here and there is understandable, but over half a millennia? No, it's time for Nick and Pernell to pass on. They no longer find any joy in life and are just going through the motions at this point anyway."

"That's not an unreasonable request," Harry admitted.

"And my sister would like her mirror back," Death added quickly, pressing up against him.

"The Mirror of Erised?" Harry asked.

"It was stolen from her by a sticky fingered wizard a while back," Death said.

"Does she need it intact?" Harry asked with a frown.

"If at all possible," Death said. "She's offered to protect you from getting burned if that helps."

"Desire can make me fireproof?" Harry asked, a bit distracted by the movie starting and Death's hand sliding up his thigh.

"Nope," Death said cheerfully, her hand continuing its advance.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

***Splash!***

Harry woke up to a lot of noise and confusion as smoke filled the air and someone hit him with a stream of water, before a wall of flames covered his view once more.

"My baby!" Lily screamed.

***Splash!***

"Cut it out!" Harry yelled. "Stop spraying me!"

Shelia moaned and twisted against him, her features having an avian cast as she radiated heat and flame.

"Harry? Are you OK?" Sirius yelled.

"He's on fire, of course he's not OK!" Snape yelled.

"I'm fine," Harry called back. "What's with all the fire- Never mind, I've got it. And stop yelling."

"How are you fine?" James demanded.

"No idea," Harry admitted calmly. "Is everyone else OK?"

"Luna lost some hair, but no one's hurt," James replied. "Son, would you mind coming out of there?"

Harry was gripped tightly by Shelia, who buried her face in his chest and whimpered slightly. It was impossible to see the rest of the room because of all the flames and smoke but for some reason he could see her fine. He stroked her back and gave her a hug. "I'm kinda naked in here," he called out.

"Harry James Potter, why are you naked in bed with Shelia?!" Lily demanded.

"Cause our clothes weren't fireproof!" Harry yelled back, clearly annoyed.

"Ah," Lily blushed as the Marauders laughed. "I'll go tell the girls you're alright."

"Lisa should be here shortly," Sirius told Harry. "Sorry about this, Shelia wasn't due for First Flame for at least another year. Is she OK?"

"She seems a bit upset and birdlike. Why was this not part of the talk?" Harry asked.

"Veela secrets that aren't widely shared," Lisa said as she arrived. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Harry assured her. "So what's First Flame?"

"Can you keep a secret?" Lisa asked.

"Yeah," Harry replied.

"So can I," Lisa told him. "Now scoot over a little, I'll be in there as soon as I get undressed."

"Shouldn't we have gotten Sirius drunk first?" Harry asked, causing the adults to burst out in laughter.

"He takes after me more than you," Sirius told James as Lisa pushed them out of the room.

Lisa crawled onto the bed, completely unaffected by the flames and wrapped her arms around the two, causing Harry to tense up, while Shelia seemed to relax and take comfort in her mother's presence down.

"Can you tell me now?" Harry asked, needing a distraction from his current predicament.

"It really is a secret reserved for family," Lisa said as she examined her daughter. "How are you not burned? Only Veela are immune to this type of fire."

"Can you keep a secret?" Harry asked.

"Of course," she agreed.

"So can I," Harry told her before closing his eyes and relaxing, he was still tired and could use some more sleep.

Shelia giggled while Lisa groaned.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"If you hit us with an Aquamenti you'll be sleeping on the couch for the next year," Lisa growled waking Shelia and Harry.

"Lily's getting breakfast ready," Sirius said, putting away his wand, pouting because she'd spoiled his fun. "I'd suggest clothes, unless you want to help me convince everyone to start a nudist colony," he said hopefully.

"Maybe later," Shelia said. "For now, shoo! Oh, and make sure to have a lot of meats and proteins on the table."

"I remembered and I told Lily," Sirius promised.

"Good, now shoo!" she said getting up and pushing him out of the room.

Harry found a hand over his eyes. "What's this for?" he asked.

"No looking at my Mum naked," Shelia said.

"I don't even have my glasses on," Harry pointed out.

"Do you need them?" Lisa asked.

"I... huh," Harry said as he realized his sight had been a lot clearer than it should be.

"When a young Veela goes through first flame, her magic burns away imperfections. In days long past young Veela were kidnapped so unscrupulous wizards and witches could take advantage of this. Thankfully you're too young for the allure to affect you. You can imagine what would have happened should a full grown wizard seeking to use my Shelia had been in your place. You can see why we keep this secret," Lisa explained.

"My glasses are self-adjusting," Harry said, figuring out to hide the effects at least in part. "I can keep wearing them and no one will know."

"That's not the only change," Lisa said. "Any scars, crooked teeth, or skin blemishes will have vanished also."

"Accidental magic," Harry said with a shrug. "That can be used to hide a lot of things."

"That will have to do," Lisa decided. "I'll go help Lily with breakfast." She shut the door behind her as she left and Shelia took her hand off Harry's eyes.

"You're not too young to be affected at all," Shelia said firmly.

"How do you know that?" Harry asked.

"You're poking me," Shelia said proudly, giving him a hug.

"Let's go get something to eat, I'm starving," Harry said, changing the subject as he got up and brushed off the ashes that were all that remained of his bed, finding they practically rolled off him, leaving his skin clean and looking slightly tanned. "OK, I have slightly tanned skin and am no longer chubby. How about you?"

"I'm a metamorph," Shelia said with a sigh, "I didn't have any imperfections to burn away, since I could always just get rid of them by shifting."

Harry got dressed and frowned as he realized all the stuff that was under his bed had gotten burned up, which included not just his magazine collection but his chocolate frog collection, and the broom his dad had bought him for his last birthday. "I need a new bed," Harry said with a sigh.

"A bigger one, preferably fire proof," Shelia agreed.

"Maybe a waterbed," Harry said. "Size it up a little and change the wood out for stone so I can add some runic wards."

"Runic wards?" Shelia asked as they stepped out of Harry's room, but before he could answer he was buried in red heads once more. Shelia shrugged, changed her hair to red, and leapt on top. "Dog pile!"

**Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


End file.
